Thinking, Working, Moving, Loving

I was just thinking . . .  my biggest problem in life has been right inside my own head.  Sometimes the thoughts that whirl around are not original or helpful; they are sometimes stereotypes that have been floating around out there in the world.  "I"  have to take control of my thoughts - "I" being that part of my brain or being that wants to influence my destiny for the good.

 

Those other thoughts in my brain - the "reptilian" brain as I've heard it described - they could destroy my marriage, my employment or work, my body, my hopes & dreams. Oh, I've heard they have their place and need some degree of compassion and respect - they are part of me too, but . . .

 

Excuse me for rambling; it's just my way.  If you don't like it, you may just need to go read some other blog.  I'm thinking about a time in my life - I think I was about 25 or 26 years old at the time.  I was working at a hospital in the basement where the computer room was located - and also the morgue.  Only part of the basement was finished - Other parts were merely a large crawl space with the ground not even concreted.  Old records were kept under there.  Actually there weren't ever dead bodies under there while I was there, but it was available in case of a disaster.   I worked there on the graveyard shift, coming in around 11 pm and leaving with the light about 7 in the morning. 

 

 I remember struggling with depression during this time - I don't think it was really chemical depression, I think there were things in my life worthy of that feeling.  For one thing, I had a 4 1/2 year old daughter at home and what I really wanted to do was be a stay-at-home mom.  So I was gone during the night while she was sleeping but in the day when I was home with her I was sleeping - so what was she up to while her mom was sleeping? And, I had a teenage stepson who had raped a girl;  of course I could not talk about that to anyone - it was too horrible to talk about.  And he was still living with us - for nearly 6 months - it took that long to drag out the time for him to go to trial; taking him to psychologists and slow court proceeding.  Eventually he did get sentenced to a mental hospital that had a sex offenders unit; what a relief to have him gone!  He was there for 2 or 3 years and didn't live with us after that.  My first husband had committed suicide nearly 4 years earlier; I still experience post traumatic stress relative to that but it has lessened significantly over the years.   And I was up in the night, exhausted.

 

So, I was reading a Christian book about depression as a sin and it recommended the process of repentence to overcome the depression.  I am not making a judgement about that.  I tried to do as the book recommended and pray for forgiveness for my depression and since I worked alone in the basement in the middle of the night there was no problem; I often was on my knees trying to work out the depression.   Sometimes I would want to go home so badly and there would be a tug-of-war in my brain - stay and make money we need or go home and be with my little girl.  My neighbor Mary Ann had quit working when she started having babies; she said if her husband was not making enough money, she would stay home no matter what and let her husband rise to the challenge. Hmm - how different would my life have been if I had taken that approach (I'm not sure if this sentence should end with a question mark or an exclamation point).  Would he have arisen to the occasion - would we have stayed happily married - I think the answer is "no" both ways.  Why did I have to go through this marriage?  Or did I?  Why did I do it? 

 

Well we make certain decisions in our life and there are blessings and troubles at each turn.  It's like the game of chess & redoing the past - if we take back some of our "mistakes", we may also lose some of the blessings that came along that route as well.  We may lose friends and family - but we may have gained other friends and family along another path . . .  we can't say for sure.